Wank in my mind

To shit or not to shit, that is the question.

Having a shit is one of the greatest things in the world. People put there noses up at it and say things like "how vile!" and "he's a no-good ragamuffin that Mojo." And they are right but they need to realise EVERY HUMAN SHITS!

This is great news of course for people like me who love to shit. Poo comes out of everyones arse! It's a Poo-Poo Revolution! I don't endorse the fetishization of defaecation but everyone should enjoy dropping the kids off at the pool. However the other day I was struck by the gravest dilemma a man ever has to face. I had to attend an important meeting and when I got to this other office I was walking like a pregnant dinosaur with gout as I tried to hold in the most beautiful poo I had ever created. Yes, I couldn't see the poo but I knew, by God, it was beautiful.

I shook hands with the guy with the tie called Mike and asked where the toilets were. He just smiled and said "use the en-suite baby". He pointed over his shoulder while my lower lip quivered nervously. To shit or not to shit? That was my question. My bowels rumbled and the MOJO POO VESUVIUS would soon wipe out the world. I didn't want to use the en-suite as I knew Mike "the Tie" would hear my screams and my cries of ecstasy and possibly banish me from the United Kingdom out of disgust. I weighed up my options and instead I said "I need to make a quick call first." I ran awkwardly out of the building and I swore never to return. My "quick call" lasted approximately a whole afternoon and it was the most spectacular afternoon I had ever spent running through town desparately searching for a toilet. Finally I found a toilet in a Public Drinking House and the rest is history. I don't like to reveal what happened but it was bliss. Afterwards I felt like a dear friend had departed and I weeped into my Sarsparilla as "Bar Stool" Goopy and " Pool table" Mick and Mack laughed at my anal tale of sweet delight.

I didn't know where I was going to go from here. I needed an angel to save me from this world. I live a regrettable life.

---- the end-----

I would like to dedicate this blog to Marvin the Marshmallow in apology for shitting in his toilet and forgetting to flush. He didn't banish me from the U.K. but I have to wear an electronic tag to track my every move so that I never poo within 3 miles of his house.