I was walking down the street today and seen a really fat pigeon. Jesus Christ, he was one fat fucker. How the fuck did he get that fat? He looked like a right wanker bullying the other pigeons. He even pecked some food out of one of their mouths. I wanted to kill the fucker. I was holding a synthesizer at the time and the thought of squashing him with it rang loud in my mind. I tried to punch the cunt but his little wings flapped like mad to propel him a metre from the ground. Because he’s a fat fuck he can only fly a metre off the ground. Fat pigeon bastards are the bane of my life.
It must be the hangover I have but I think most of the world is going to murder me at any moment today. I was in the local one-stop and a girl was standing beside me as I was picking a sandwich. She was a lovely looking woman but I thought she may be standing indecisively staring at sandwiches just so she could get close to knife me. I looked at her, she smiled. Shit, she definitely wanted to kill me. I gave her the Ulster look (one of deep anxiety) in return and ran out of the shop.
I recently dated a cougar. It was a fun time. She was a bit like Courtney Cox in Cougartown. She had an insatiable appetite for lovin’ and Eugene was traumatised by the whole experience. I really am sorry Eugene I never knew this would happen. After much thought I felt that I was kidding myself so I woke up and decided to abandon my trans-generational love affair like my hero Kirk Mc Cambley. He is a hero of mine and I want to live my life vicariously through Kirk. The end of the affair was like Apocalypse Now and I felt like going out and getting wile fooked directly afterwards. I did get wile fooked afterwards and everybody lived happily ever after.
Since hearing about the departure of Carlos D from one of my favourite bands Interpol I have lived a near despondent life. I sometimes leave the house angrily and end up just standing by a tree and yelping. I am like a dog that has lost its owner. On many occasions I have just went into town and recklessly dismantled the remnants of my life through dance and supermegafuntimes much like the wee fella in his 1999-2010 period often cited by historians as the beginning of the end of humanity. Carlos D will be sorely missed in the Interpol line-up. He stood demonic at the side of the stage when the Bojo-Krojo Superfun Love Division went to see them in Blackpool. He swung that bass low with a sinister frown. You could tell that one day he would leave his beloved band and become a fascist dictator. It was always on the cards. Because of his leaving I get on buses now, to nowhere. All of the time thinking; how can I live with Carlos D gone? Because of my random Love Attacks on MCR I have been really pissing off Marvin the Marshmallow. I keep calling around and waking him up at night. He fucking hates me but when I ask him if he hates me he says.. “No...no. You’re Mojo. It’s allowed. But if it was anyone else I’d gut them.” Marvin the marshmallow is a dove of peace and I could never see him harm a fly. Although I still pray every night now that he doesn’t murder me as I know he deserves to kill me or at least hurt me alot. What do the waves have to say now? I blame Paul Banks for Carlos D leaving Interpol. He’s completely obsessed with the sea. It must have been hard listening to Paul’s wank all day. It’s ok to dip into but jeeeeeeeeeeeeeez every day! Pauul Banks, you have ruined my life. Walk the plank you horrible little New York bastard.
I was getting a bus the other day and for some unknown reason Eugene started to get excited. It was just at the start of my journey but Eugene wouldn’t calm down. Calm the fuck down Eugene. But no, he disobeyed. The bus got to my stop but I couldn’t get out as people would think I’m some sort of paedo or sex attacker. So I just sat on the bus hoping Eugene would calm the fuck down. But no, the bastard stayed excited. The bus stopped off at all its stops but I didn’t realise. Then it reached the depot and the bus driver stopped the bus and then he came up to me and said “Come on the fuck. You need to get off. We’re at the depot.” I removed my coat and covered my groin area with it. I gave him the Ulster look (one of despair) and ran out of the bus tear some and annoyed. Eugene, you are my nemesis. My life is in tatters because of you, Eugene.