Monday, 20 September 2010

Monday - Not even Bennie could save us.

My life is a travesty. It is in tatters. Down lost the All-Ireland Final yesterday and I can't seem to find a barber and my shit hair is just getting out of control. I'm frightened of men touching my hair. Actually, I'm frightened of anyone touching my hair. It's creepy when men touch your head particularly when they're standing behind you. Do you like it when strange bullish men touch your head? Of course you fucking don't! I am planning on maybe going to a hairdressers and having an awkward conversation with a female hairdresser I never met before. Afterwards I will run home crying with my hands hiding my hair. Oh Terry T where are you? Terry T is my barber in Newry and I really miss him. I miss his laugh and the way he talked to the trees. I miss him more than soda bread. He gave good head. And I mean that whole-heartedly. He never encountered Eugene but I think that phrase should be altered for Barbers. There's very few that gave good head and terry T is one of them.

Yeah life is shit. What's good about it? The sun? Fuck the sun, its bollocks. Sorry, I'm in a bad mood. Everything is shit when you're in a bad mood. Even puppies fuck you off when you're in a bad mood. I seen a puppy today and said "I wonder if I could cook that wee fucker. Hmmm puppy burger..." Why create a lie? Just be honest, everyone has wanted to eat a Puppy Burger at some point. Lovely lovely puppy meat.

I'm sometimes glad I've never put a teenage girl up the duff. It sometimes my only comfort in life. I don't think I've had a bad run. Maybe its over. The gold run. Maybe the gold runs over.

It was a Monday today. I expected it to be crap and it was. I seen a woman fall in the street and lots of people ran to help her. That was the best moment in my day. I stood there and just cried into my Down scarf. I am in mourning after getting beat in the GAA All IReland final. Not even Bennie Coulter could save us. Now I yearn for a better tomorrow. One that is Bennie-less but can be ultimately redemptive.

The end

Monday, 13 September 2010

Dating in the Dark

There's a lot of smart cunts out there. Stephen Hawking isn't a smart cunt, he's a tube. And his theory that the Universe just spontaneously appeared out of chaos is wile shite. THE WEE FELLA HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME. He passes his 11 plus and he thinks he can say what he likes! No, the smartest cunts, are the men who sign up to be contestants in the hit dating show "Dating in the Dark".

"Dating in the dark" is a show that consists of three men and three women who meet "in the dark". Now, if you were to meet a woman in the dark you'd be tempted to pull your cock out and dance around the room singing "I get around" by the Beach Boys. Who wouldn't?

I have watched every dating show ever created in the past 30 years and this one is in my top ten. It seems like the producers are incapable of choosing someone who isn't a wanker. This makes for great T.V.. Wankers make excellent T.V.. The big negative is that the men can't take their cocks out and have a wank in the dark.

The three people meet each other separately in the dark and sit with each other and learn all about each others personalities . For example, Steve met Leni in the dark and found out that they get on like a house on fire. At the end of the show they both stood in a darkened room and a separate light shines on each of them so that they can check each other out separately without seeing the other persons reaction. It is excellent T.V.. They then went back to their quarters and regretted the previous 2 days when they flirted with their supposed DREAM-DATE who actually has a face like the back of a ballbag. It is excellent T.V.. I've been watching it now for the past year and have decided that love is superficial. People get on so well in the dark but if they don't like how the other person looks then it all ends in tears. I often cry whilst watching it. But then again, I burst into tears when I watch car adverts. "the trees! The trees! You're killing the fucking trees!"

Yeah, wile cunts.