Always telescopic poems
Life = [Happiness + love + spirituality(optional)] – [sadness + hate]
Happiness = Deep understanding of your psyche + positive thoughts and self-affirmation +
Openness and acceptance to the imperfections of yourself and other people + food + shelter + company + water + hope for a better tomorrow + music + fun + comedy
Defiant living is essential. There are too many wankers in the world. I live a defiant life. I was chatting with my friend Freyjopolopolis and I said that if I was to give her any advice about life it would be “do whatever the fuck you want.” Do you want to be a guitarist? Be one. Do you want to swim with dolphins? Do it. Do you want to be President? Go on that ride. It’ll be a laugh. It’s hard to cope with life but there is one thing that I know; I really want to live. I have been brought to the abattoir so many times but yet have not been shot in the head and hung on one of those hooks. My granda was a butcher and he spent his life killing animals. He was a lovely man: The best. There is too much fun to be had. I would not chose to live a life killing animals but why knock it. People take life too seriously. They fail to pay a bill and spiral into self-decay. Invite hell to your front door and spurn it. Fuck your demise. You will live through it. I worry that Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix had too much fun and died. I have outlived both of my only two idols. I love those two cunts. They really lived to the extreme. I would prefer to live like Jimi and die young than lead a tediously long life. I believe this fact with all of my heart. It is my only doctrine to living. So I do not have any more heroes (a term that has been used Papa Sir Higgs but that was originally used by me).
I have fun. If you wake up and are paralysed with a deep anxiety by your present situation;, Get on a flight. Fuck your job. Tell the wife “I need to see the Pacific Ocean”. Take a break from living. Otherwise you’ll be staring at death. Live defiantly. Say to yourself “fuck off wanker, I’m living.” Life is sometimes painful but fight on. It’s not a religious quest and it’s not a moral quest. It’s just living the same way a fish lives. There’s no prescribed way to living. Damon Albarn (lead singer of Blur) once gave up on life (See “No distance left to run” or “Beetlebum”) but he fought on. Now he’s one of the most successful musicians in England with his pop concept “Gorrilaz”. I fucking hate “Gorillaz” but I like to know that a man who used to be a heroin addict is singing out my radio. Lou Reed is the same. He used to be a crack addict but look at him now. He’s probably living in a house designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. He once lived a life of harrowing despair but now he wakes up sees the sky and smiles. He probably loves porridge. Being optimistic is a constant fight. Believe me, there are people out there who live pessimistic lives. Their neuroses will bring you down. They are usually the people close to you (family/friends). I live a war of love. I see and hear negativity every day but I kill it in my brain. I say “Fuck you, I’m living.” Kill negativity. Not just in your local vicinity but more importantly kill negativity in your mind. You will come across it at an almost momentary basis (nearly every second of your waking life) so get the knives out and LIVE. LIVE!
Hawaii
I went to Hawaii last year (pictured above). I woke up drunk one Sunday. I was very pissed off. I punched the wall of the shower as I thought about all the wankers I had met that week. My world was full of wankers at that point. I wanted to kill my boss. I phoned him and told him I had appendicitis and decided to go to Hawaii. There was a dental conference happening there and I thought I would go over and mix that shit up. I phoned up Henry, my accountant, and left a message on his answer phone;
“Henry, I can’t meet you on Tuesday. E-mail me the spreadsheets and I’ll get them in Honolulu.”
I phoned up Dave
“I hate the world Dave so I’m going to Hawaii. I may seem dead but I shall be on a tropical island.”
I phoned up my podiatrist:“You’re a cunt, there’s nothing wrong with my feet.”
He was a cunt. I hate that fucker.
I kept thinking: Humanity = Earth’s Natural Resources – Human Idiocy.
So I decided to say “Fuck you humanity, you’ve done nothing but maim me. So I’m fucking off to Hawaii.” The future of the world seemed bleak so I thought I would just take a trip to the other side of the world and shake hands with Obama’s extended family.
Hawaii is nice in August. I spent a lot of the time on an aeroplane. I flew from Manchester to New York to Los Angeles to Honolulu. I slept the whole way there. It was a lost week of alcoholism, beaches and conferences. Most of the time I was there I was thinking “I wonder if I could meet an Hawaiian woman and just stay here forever.” I went on my own and it was great being on holiday on my own again. I flew into Honolulu which is on the island of O’ahu. I immediately wanted go home when I stepped off the plane as it was like an oven. The wee fella wasn’t happy. I didn’t take any luggage which was funny so I first had to get to a place that sold shorts and t-shirts. After that shit, I went and got drunk and found the conference hotel. I thought it would be better to try to find the hotel very drunk and on a hired bike. The bike was a tandem (for 2) but only I rode it. I got into Hawaii at 2 pm and I eventually found my hotel at 2 am the next day. However I somehow lost my bike at “The Big Kahuna Burger”. I fell in love with Honolulu that day as I spent the day drunk, lost and chatting with random strangers about turtles and different types of cocktails. When I was there I liked to walk about pretending to be a Japanese secret agent there to plan “Pearl Harbour 2”.
The next day I had to go to the conference at 9 am. So I had a lie-in to 1 pm and went to the beach instead and decided to go to the 3 pm lecture rather than stress myself out. I sat in a lecture theatre with sand between my toes sipping a cocktail in a Hawaiian t-shirt listening to someone bollock-on about dental implants. Everyone else was dressed in suits. I got very drunk and all that dentistry bullshit made so much more sense. I sniggered when a World Authority on Implants spoke about the use of implants in orthodontics. I mixed in well with the other delegates as we spoke about the future of implant dentistry. They were all born to murder innocent people but happened to find their very sociopathic nature very suited to minor oral surgery. I remember lips moving yet not hearing anything. I fantasized about a meteor hitting the conference hotel. An American dentist named “Chad” befriended me but he just wanted to get some blow and hos. I said “Chad, I haven’t come the whole way to Hawaii for some ho. I’ve come for many hos!!!” Chad was a wanker too and I plotted to kill him from the moment we met. I’m glad I didn’t kill him but it did cross my mind when he accosted a very dangerous black man with an eye-patch for some drugs. He had a fucking eye-patch! My rage was silent but I went home early on that particular night and defecated in his hot tub. He deserved it because we spent the night in some of the dodgiest bars in Honolulu, with Chad trying to convince random women to sleep with us for money. Chad bought two hos and brought them back to his hot tub that night and was shocked by my little present. I didn’t tell him I did it and I hope he doesn’t somehow discover my blog. I enjoyed listening to him at breakfast, telling me about his aborted sex trip, with fury in his two blue Minnesota eyes. Chad was a twat. I still giggle at the thought of his browning hot tub water...my poo-poo were like coco pops...they turned the milk chocolatey. It was a wondrous surprise. Dentists are wankers. Believe me, they’re wankers.
So, Mojo what did you learn on your Hawaiian expedition?
Eugene doesn’t like sand in his eye
Did you not learn anything else?
Never try to beat a ho at poker
What was your favourite moment?
My favourite moment was when the police busted into Chad’s hotel room when he was having a drug-fuelled orgy with 3 prostitutes. I could hear his screams as he was taken to the station.
Is Honolulu worth the trip?
I’d prefer to go to Omeath. I have tried to obliterate the entire trip from my memory and didn’t want to talk about it until this moment. The memories though were too painful to hide.
What about the conference?
I enjoyed the conference and particularly liked the hands-on element. The other delegates did not have any propensity for love.
Would you go back?
No fooking way
Do you really hate your podiatrist?
Yes, he lives a vacant meaningless life and I hope he stands on a landmine one day.
How are you still alive?
It’s just luck
Any luck with the women these days?
No
What’s on the Mojo Jukebox at present?
RAEKWON. GHOSTFACE KILLAH, SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE by Stevie wonder. And "Sky Blue Sky" by Wilco.
What next?
I’m writing a childrens book at the moment. I want to change the world and paint the stars with Magic Mojo Juice.
Thank you,
Life = [Happiness + love + spirituality(optional)] – [sadness + hate]
Happiness = Deep understanding of your psyche + positive thoughts and self-affirmation +
Openness and acceptance to the imperfections of yourself and other people + food + shelter + company + water + hope for a better tomorrow + music + fun + comedy
Defiant living is essential. There are too many wankers in the world. I live a defiant life. I was chatting with my friend Freyjopolopolis and I said that if I was to give her any advice about life it would be “do whatever the fuck you want.” Do you want to be a guitarist? Be one. Do you want to swim with dolphins? Do it. Do you want to be President? Go on that ride. It’ll be a laugh. It’s hard to cope with life but there is one thing that I know; I really want to live. I have been brought to the abattoir so many times but yet have not been shot in the head and hung on one of those hooks. My granda was a butcher and he spent his life killing animals. He was a lovely man: The best. There is too much fun to be had. I would not chose to live a life killing animals but why knock it. People take life too seriously. They fail to pay a bill and spiral into self-decay. Invite hell to your front door and spurn it. Fuck your demise. You will live through it. I worry that Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix had too much fun and died. I have outlived both of my only two idols. I love those two cunts. They really lived to the extreme. I would prefer to live like Jimi and die young than lead a tediously long life. I believe this fact with all of my heart. It is my only doctrine to living. So I do not have any more heroes (a term that has been used Papa Sir Higgs but that was originally used by me).
I have fun. If you wake up and are paralysed with a deep anxiety by your present situation;, Get on a flight. Fuck your job. Tell the wife “I need to see the Pacific Ocean”. Take a break from living. Otherwise you’ll be staring at death. Live defiantly. Say to yourself “fuck off wanker, I’m living.” Life is sometimes painful but fight on. It’s not a religious quest and it’s not a moral quest. It’s just living the same way a fish lives. There’s no prescribed way to living. Damon Albarn (lead singer of Blur) once gave up on life (See “No distance left to run” or “Beetlebum”) but he fought on. Now he’s one of the most successful musicians in England with his pop concept “Gorrilaz”. I fucking hate “Gorillaz” but I like to know that a man who used to be a heroin addict is singing out my radio. Lou Reed is the same. He used to be a crack addict but look at him now. He’s probably living in a house designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. He once lived a life of harrowing despair but now he wakes up sees the sky and smiles. He probably loves porridge. Being optimistic is a constant fight. Believe me, there are people out there who live pessimistic lives. Their neuroses will bring you down. They are usually the people close to you (family/friends). I live a war of love. I see and hear negativity every day but I kill it in my brain. I say “Fuck you, I’m living.” Kill negativity. Not just in your local vicinity but more importantly kill negativity in your mind. You will come across it at an almost momentary basis (nearly every second of your waking life) so get the knives out and LIVE. LIVE!
Hawaii
I went to Hawaii last year (pictured above). I woke up drunk one Sunday. I was very pissed off. I punched the wall of the shower as I thought about all the wankers I had met that week. My world was full of wankers at that point. I wanted to kill my boss. I phoned him and told him I had appendicitis and decided to go to Hawaii. There was a dental conference happening there and I thought I would go over and mix that shit up. I phoned up Henry, my accountant, and left a message on his answer phone;
“Henry, I can’t meet you on Tuesday. E-mail me the spreadsheets and I’ll get them in Honolulu.”
I phoned up Dave
“I hate the world Dave so I’m going to Hawaii. I may seem dead but I shall be on a tropical island.”
I phoned up my podiatrist:“You’re a cunt, there’s nothing wrong with my feet.”
He was a cunt. I hate that fucker.
I kept thinking: Humanity = Earth’s Natural Resources – Human Idiocy.
So I decided to say “Fuck you humanity, you’ve done nothing but maim me. So I’m fucking off to Hawaii.” The future of the world seemed bleak so I thought I would just take a trip to the other side of the world and shake hands with Obama’s extended family.
Hawaii is nice in August. I spent a lot of the time on an aeroplane. I flew from Manchester to New York to Los Angeles to Honolulu. I slept the whole way there. It was a lost week of alcoholism, beaches and conferences. Most of the time I was there I was thinking “I wonder if I could meet an Hawaiian woman and just stay here forever.” I went on my own and it was great being on holiday on my own again. I flew into Honolulu which is on the island of O’ahu. I immediately wanted go home when I stepped off the plane as it was like an oven. The wee fella wasn’t happy. I didn’t take any luggage which was funny so I first had to get to a place that sold shorts and t-shirts. After that shit, I went and got drunk and found the conference hotel. I thought it would be better to try to find the hotel very drunk and on a hired bike. The bike was a tandem (for 2) but only I rode it. I got into Hawaii at 2 pm and I eventually found my hotel at 2 am the next day. However I somehow lost my bike at “The Big Kahuna Burger”. I fell in love with Honolulu that day as I spent the day drunk, lost and chatting with random strangers about turtles and different types of cocktails. When I was there I liked to walk about pretending to be a Japanese secret agent there to plan “Pearl Harbour 2”.
The next day I had to go to the conference at 9 am. So I had a lie-in to 1 pm and went to the beach instead and decided to go to the 3 pm lecture rather than stress myself out. I sat in a lecture theatre with sand between my toes sipping a cocktail in a Hawaiian t-shirt listening to someone bollock-on about dental implants. Everyone else was dressed in suits. I got very drunk and all that dentistry bullshit made so much more sense. I sniggered when a World Authority on Implants spoke about the use of implants in orthodontics. I mixed in well with the other delegates as we spoke about the future of implant dentistry. They were all born to murder innocent people but happened to find their very sociopathic nature very suited to minor oral surgery. I remember lips moving yet not hearing anything. I fantasized about a meteor hitting the conference hotel. An American dentist named “Chad” befriended me but he just wanted to get some blow and hos. I said “Chad, I haven’t come the whole way to Hawaii for some ho. I’ve come for many hos!!!” Chad was a wanker too and I plotted to kill him from the moment we met. I’m glad I didn’t kill him but it did cross my mind when he accosted a very dangerous black man with an eye-patch for some drugs. He had a fucking eye-patch! My rage was silent but I went home early on that particular night and defecated in his hot tub. He deserved it because we spent the night in some of the dodgiest bars in Honolulu, with Chad trying to convince random women to sleep with us for money. Chad bought two hos and brought them back to his hot tub that night and was shocked by my little present. I didn’t tell him I did it and I hope he doesn’t somehow discover my blog. I enjoyed listening to him at breakfast, telling me about his aborted sex trip, with fury in his two blue Minnesota eyes. Chad was a twat. I still giggle at the thought of his browning hot tub water...my poo-poo were like coco pops...they turned the milk chocolatey. It was a wondrous surprise. Dentists are wankers. Believe me, they’re wankers.
So, Mojo what did you learn on your Hawaiian expedition?
Eugene doesn’t like sand in his eye
Did you not learn anything else?
Never try to beat a ho at poker
What was your favourite moment?
My favourite moment was when the police busted into Chad’s hotel room when he was having a drug-fuelled orgy with 3 prostitutes. I could hear his screams as he was taken to the station.
Is Honolulu worth the trip?
I’d prefer to go to Omeath. I have tried to obliterate the entire trip from my memory and didn’t want to talk about it until this moment. The memories though were too painful to hide.
What about the conference?
I enjoyed the conference and particularly liked the hands-on element. The other delegates did not have any propensity for love.
Would you go back?
No fooking way
Do you really hate your podiatrist?
Yes, he lives a vacant meaningless life and I hope he stands on a landmine one day.
How are you still alive?
It’s just luck
Any luck with the women these days?
No
What’s on the Mojo Jukebox at present?
RAEKWON. GHOSTFACE KILLAH, SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE by Stevie wonder. And "Sky Blue Sky" by Wilco.
What next?
I’m writing a childrens book at the moment. I want to change the world and paint the stars with Magic Mojo Juice.
Thank you,
Mojo
