Today is “Vote for a Fucker Day” or what the sexy people in England call “Election Day”. As I strolled along my leafy suburban street coloured in orange, blue and red posters I ruminated, publicly. What fucker should I vote for? Should I vote for the prick with the funny sigh? Or the smug prick? Or should I vote for the up-and-coming smug prick? I was in a quandary. My brain began to hurt under the pressure so I went to the local vegetarian cafe to watch men and women vacantly stare at their I-phones and laptops. But I also went to sit and think about who I should vote for.
I am from Northern Ireland, a fragile state held together by chewing gum, beer, love, hate, semtex, trans-generational adultery and widespread bigotry. I have a unique political view. I have lived during the so-called “Troubles” and also the N.I. Peace Era. I used to think I was going to be murdered and raped by terrorists then all of a sudden the politicians of Northern Ireland kissed and made-up. GOOD FRIDAY 1998 WAS AMAZINGLY GOOD FRIDAY 1998!!!! I fell to my knees in my living room and kissed the carpet in delight. My young body would no longer be buggered by a man in a balaclava and then cut up and abandoned on the main Belfast to Newry dual carriageway. The intense euphoria I felt when the Good Friday Agreement was signed, has never been equalled. No amount of ecstasy tablets, cocaine, lovely girls or furious ejaculations could ever equal the happiness I felt on that day. I suppose you could say it was the happiest day of my life. I could see how voting tactically or multiple times illegally could change the world. Proportional representation was a beautiful thing.
Hunter S. Thompson often sided with the Democrats in the good ole U.S. of A and that actually sickened me. He loved Jimmy Carter like wee Jimmy was candy floss or a colt 45. He got pretty pissed off by George W. Bush becoming President. He may have even alluded to the end of the world in his suicide note. But he made a mistake. He cared too much about politicians and his leader. But his writings did make a difference on how people perceive politicians and the world. However, we the people, are greater than politicians. They’re a bunch of wankers. J.F.K. isn’t the lovely womanizing bootlegging master-speaker we think of. He brought his country to war with fucking Vietnam. Vietnam! What a cunt. During “The Troubles” every person in Northern Ireland lived a politicized life. Many lost their lives or the lives of those close to them and everyone lived in fear apart from Frank Mitchell. I detested my situation. I hated all politicians. I could directly feel their slithery hands toying with my political balls when I turned on “UTV Live” every night. I wanted to just live. I wanted to just live like Tom Hanks in the film “Big”. Then suddenly they appeared from Parliament Buildings in Stormont Belfast, with smiles. Hume, Adams, Trimble, Irvine, Bertie, Bliar and a load of other political freeloaders appeared like the Reservoir Dogs. I thought, ‘fuck me, they done it. They actually agreed on something. They’re not all total-wankers anymore. They may actually care for the people. That’s a bit surprising. Fuck me....... Hilarious!” The novenas, the tears shed, the blood, the lost, the unidentifiable bodies of close relatives, collusion, the dirty protests, Maggie-fucking-Thatcher, the Maze, car bombs, bomb-scares, tit-for-tat killings, Bloody Sunday, the serial killers, the resemblance of Martin Mc Guinness to Art Garfunkel, the corruption and the many years of hurt were all given the fingers. ‘Fuck you sadness!” That’s what it meant to me. But I was happy anyway. I learned to live a happy life with the cunts in power. And Hunter S fucking Thompson can kiss my Newry hole. I love big H.S.T. but we can agree to disagree on certain issues. This is what being an adult is about. I never put my faith in the ruling class. I will always treat them with a blatant disregard and at least a mild contempt, on a good day. They are just people with assholes and the propensity for error like everyone else. I’ll not get too worried if they mess up the country or not get too excited if they are a resounding success. They’ll stress themselves out ruling and we’ll enjoy living. I will never have the same power as a politician yet I hope they treat the people who pay their wages with a love unrequited. They will be chased to the edges of hell if they do us bad. And if there is a revolution I will be on the frontline, ready to spill my blood, for Earth. By the power of Stevie Wonder we will change the world!
I picked up my pencil and put down my “X”. And what a lovely fucking “X” it was.
Mojo
(Every spelling mistake was intentional)
I am from Northern Ireland, a fragile state held together by chewing gum, beer, love, hate, semtex, trans-generational adultery and widespread bigotry. I have a unique political view. I have lived during the so-called “Troubles” and also the N.I. Peace Era. I used to think I was going to be murdered and raped by terrorists then all of a sudden the politicians of Northern Ireland kissed and made-up. GOOD FRIDAY 1998 WAS AMAZINGLY GOOD FRIDAY 1998!!!! I fell to my knees in my living room and kissed the carpet in delight. My young body would no longer be buggered by a man in a balaclava and then cut up and abandoned on the main Belfast to Newry dual carriageway. The intense euphoria I felt when the Good Friday Agreement was signed, has never been equalled. No amount of ecstasy tablets, cocaine, lovely girls or furious ejaculations could ever equal the happiness I felt on that day. I suppose you could say it was the happiest day of my life. I could see how voting tactically or multiple times illegally could change the world. Proportional representation was a beautiful thing.
Hunter S. Thompson often sided with the Democrats in the good ole U.S. of A and that actually sickened me. He loved Jimmy Carter like wee Jimmy was candy floss or a colt 45. He got pretty pissed off by George W. Bush becoming President. He may have even alluded to the end of the world in his suicide note. But he made a mistake. He cared too much about politicians and his leader. But his writings did make a difference on how people perceive politicians and the world. However, we the people, are greater than politicians. They’re a bunch of wankers. J.F.K. isn’t the lovely womanizing bootlegging master-speaker we think of. He brought his country to war with fucking Vietnam. Vietnam! What a cunt. During “The Troubles” every person in Northern Ireland lived a politicized life. Many lost their lives or the lives of those close to them and everyone lived in fear apart from Frank Mitchell. I detested my situation. I hated all politicians. I could directly feel their slithery hands toying with my political balls when I turned on “UTV Live” every night. I wanted to just live. I wanted to just live like Tom Hanks in the film “Big”. Then suddenly they appeared from Parliament Buildings in Stormont Belfast, with smiles. Hume, Adams, Trimble, Irvine, Bertie, Bliar and a load of other political freeloaders appeared like the Reservoir Dogs. I thought, ‘fuck me, they done it. They actually agreed on something. They’re not all total-wankers anymore. They may actually care for the people. That’s a bit surprising. Fuck me....... Hilarious!” The novenas, the tears shed, the blood, the lost, the unidentifiable bodies of close relatives, collusion, the dirty protests, Maggie-fucking-Thatcher, the Maze, car bombs, bomb-scares, tit-for-tat killings, Bloody Sunday, the serial killers, the resemblance of Martin Mc Guinness to Art Garfunkel, the corruption and the many years of hurt were all given the fingers. ‘Fuck you sadness!” That’s what it meant to me. But I was happy anyway. I learned to live a happy life with the cunts in power. And Hunter S fucking Thompson can kiss my Newry hole. I love big H.S.T. but we can agree to disagree on certain issues. This is what being an adult is about. I never put my faith in the ruling class. I will always treat them with a blatant disregard and at least a mild contempt, on a good day. They are just people with assholes and the propensity for error like everyone else. I’ll not get too worried if they mess up the country or not get too excited if they are a resounding success. They’ll stress themselves out ruling and we’ll enjoy living. I will never have the same power as a politician yet I hope they treat the people who pay their wages with a love unrequited. They will be chased to the edges of hell if they do us bad. And if there is a revolution I will be on the frontline, ready to spill my blood, for Earth. By the power of Stevie Wonder we will change the world!
I picked up my pencil and put down my “X”. And what a lovely fucking “X” it was.
Mojo
(Every spelling mistake was intentional)
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