The Mojo Guide To Living

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evil cunts hell-bent on destroying the world. well maybe not Liam Neeson, with his gorgeous nose. Feckin dorty bitch.

Mojo Guide to Living

Ok here’s how I live:

Wake up from sleep.
It can be the morning or evening
Brush your teeth
Preferably with Colgate Total
Which is scientifically the best toothpaste
For gums and teeth
They have patented Triclosan (c)
Which keeps gums healthy
Shave face if you’re a boy
Shave tits if you are a girl with hairy tits
Use shaving gel/foam
Have a shower
Enjoy the warmth or the cold of the shower
Water on body = nice
Dry yourself
Put on clean underwear
T-shirt, cacks, socks
Mosturise
Put on your clothes.
Hopefully they are clean and not cum-stained from the night before
Look out the window
Curse at the weather
Even though it makes you happy
Possible options:

“Fucking abysmal. For fuck sake.”
“Fucking Manchester weather. Its wile shite”
“Bollocks like.... {pause}..........that”
“I have to go out in that shite?”
“Jesus...its wile hot. Fuck sake...I hate the heat.”
“Shit”
Make a coffee
Caffeine is a stimulant that is a catalyst for ADPase an enzyme
It makes you think better
And energises you
Addictive yes, but you can curb your addiction
With a decaf coffee later on in the day
Fool your brain, it’s a wanker
Try to have a healthy breakfast
Possible options:

“Porridge”
“Bran Flakes”
“Apple”
“Vitamin Supplements”
“Bagel with cheese”-quite fattening
Leave house
Kiss wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog/cat/hamster/children/poster of Jeff Buckley
If Christopher Higgins is in your house give him the mit
And wake him abruptly (by punching him in the face)
to thank him for waking you at 4 am
Call him a cunt
Even though, deep down it’s impossible to hate Christopher Higgins

(Pictured in the middle photo, on the left)
Used to be a sweet boy
Holding so tightly to Daddy Sean

Walk to car/bus/train/tram
When you get there congratulate yourself
Say to yourself “I’m fucking cla.
I really shouldn’t even be awake and walking about right now
But because of the over-population of the planet
I have to work or else I’ll die”
You are fucking cla.
Applaud thyself as the bus comes or as you get in your car
Give yourself a standing ovation
Say to yourself: “I’m wile cla”
Go to work
It’s billy-bollix-like
Yeah fuck work
But it has to happen, or you’ll die
Enjoy the commute
Ah yes, lots of other people spinning to nowhere
.....so soothing and funny
Look at the sky
It might look detached from “your world”
It is, but try to make it central
Remember without the sun, humanity wouldn’t exist
If you are in car; sing
Say the following out loud:
“Fuck Priests, they’re all paedos”
“I hate Guardian readers, they’re a pack of wankers”
“One day I might live in Derrybeg (A council estate in Newry)”
“I am fucking cla”Smile at the insanity that is human existence
As you watch people rush about
Dickheads

FIGHT THE WORLD RATHER THAN JUST EXIST IN IT

It's a war out there

Keep fighting

It's important to realize it is a war out there
Get to work
Always arrive early
This is essential for a happy existence
If anybody ever questions why you’re always early tell them:
“My wife who died last year was always early for work”
That’ll shut them up.
Start work
It’s horrendous but never feel sorry for yourself
Be responsible for your own existence
If you don’t want to do the job, tell them to fuck off
Or just fuck off one morning
Always have a lunch
Be nice to the other people you work with
It’s just a job
so even if they’re wankers, smile
for example when they inform you that you’re doing everything wrong
and the paper clips are meant to go in the fourth drawer
not the third
Just smile
Your work colleague’s and bosses borderline personality disorders
Will bring you a deep happiness.
Do it for the reference at the end
It’s all about the reference

Leave work
Say to yourself: “That there was just a land of make-believe
Let’s go to the real world now.”
Go home
Kiss the baby/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/hamster/own fist/ poster of Salvador Dali
Congratulate yourself
Say to yourself “Fuck me, I’m cla. Work was shit yet somehow I still got through it.
Wow, I’m wile cla.”

Remember humans were never meant to work

Don't let the media/politicans fool you

All you were meant to do was: wake up, find food, find shelter, fuck, eat and go to sleep
Think of ways to amuse yourself
Exercise/Sexercise
Go the gym/cinema/ theatre/ sofa/ Dave’s house/ restaurant/ Indiana Land/ Opera/ Lazer Quest/ Football/ tennis/ badmington/ art exhibition
DO A DRIVE-BY ON SESAME STREET
Elmo must die
Also possibly do nothing
That’s probably the best thing to do
Never forget the housework
Clean the toilet

Kill those germs....fucking wee bastards
Listen to some hip-hop whilst destroying vast colonies of bacteria
Wash your clothes
Have dinner.....must contain essential vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, proteins, fatty acids

Don't give a toss about what TV chefs say

Fuck you Gordon Ramsey
Look out the window
“Fuck me it’s dark”
Go web surfing
Slow it all down before bed
Dim the lights
Shag partner/read a book/dance on bed/brush teeth
Sleep

END.

The Real S.M.G.C.A.

Every time I leave the house I often think “What would Stevo do?” Stephen Maurice Graham is a random man (Pictured in the middle photo above to the right of Christopher Higgins). He’d probably go for a ham and cheese bagel and paint a picture simultaneously whilst chatting to a beautiful woman about Space Invaders (the crisps). He’s a great man. Lately though, a dark cloud has appeared. Everywhere I go in the world and on every street, I have encountered members of the Stephen Maurice Graham clone army. They look exactly like him and I often run up to them and say “Hey Stevo!! I can’t believe you’re here!” Yet they look at me with deep pity. This person is usually a member of the Stephen Maurice Graham Clone Army (The S.M.G.C.A.). They go to the S.M.G.C.A. conference every year in Ballymena. The guest speaker is usually Liam Neeson (Pictrured above in the bottom photo with best mate Paul Rankin) or Gerry Anderson (Pictured in the top photo). It is a riotous affair. There are “Learn to dance like Stevo” dance classes where Japanese Stevos and Kenyan Stevos can be seen shaking their little booties to indie dance classics. There are “Learn to dress like Stevo” seminars and you can even sign up for the Steven Grahamology Bachelors Degree. Stevo does not attend the conference. He doesn’t even run it and he may not even know it happens. It is run by an evil mastermind called Mark Carruthers (Pictured in the bottom photo between Meryl Streep and Paul Rankin). He used to present BBC Newsline and he will not stop until the good name of Steven Maurice Graham has been obliterated. But I, Mojo will uphold the good name and reputation of Stevo to my brutal end. DAMN YOU MARK CARRUTHERS! I will track you down to the BBC Northern Ireland Cafe and strike you down. Not even Hugo Duncan can save you now Mark Carruthers! Lots of love Mojo. (The S.M.G.C.A. shouldn't be confused with the Provisional S.M.G.C.A who are much worse. And the S.M.G.C.A. under no circumstances should be confused with the Real S.M.G.C.A who are probably the least real of all the S.M.G.C.A.'s)

Masterchef Zimbabwe

My mate Marvin the Marshmallow was telling me the other day that there’s a version of Masterchef now in Zimbabwe. Every one of the meals the contestants make has to be prefixed by the word “Mugabe”. So when someone is making a burger they say “This is a Mugabe Burger” and when someone is making a lasagne they say “this is a Mugabe Lasagne.” Every week the two people who score the least have to fight to the death using only kitchen utensils. It’s a bit like Blood Sports except its set in a kitchen. Normally Robert Mugabe sits and watches the fight live from his throne which is shaped like a large ladle. Last week a bit of blood got on Robert’s shoe and he murdered both of the last two contestants with a pizza slicer. People were stunned and silenced by Robert’s uncharacteristic rage as he’s usually quite a quiet lad. It seemed like the end of humanity was nigh. But thankfully it wasn’t the end of humanity because Robert started laughing uncontrollably as he stamped on the head of both dead bodies. Then everyone started laughing as the two contestants fragile heads were crushed beneath Robert’s Size 10 Doc Martin boots. A fabulous time was had by all. People couldn’t tell the difference between tomato puree and the blood of the dead contestants. Next week they’re making Mugabe Meatloaf. I can’t wait!

Stay Safe

Lots of hugs

MOJO