E is for Eugene, E is also for Eighteen Certificate

E is for
Expedition
in your mouth
Does it feel like that down south?
That day in the GUM clinic
Wasn’t fucking worth it
You said,
“Do me on the balcony.”
“But the hairy gamblers will see my cock.”
Put it in
Put it in
No
But you
Wanted it in
Fuck sake
If I was 18
I’d think it was my birthday
But I’m a little bit older now
The type of older that’s
Pissed off at the queue in the post office
Or at scented candles
Put it in mojo
Awh, fuck it.

Now, I’m sitting
In G.U.M.
Amongst HIV men, ashen faced,
Panicked
A syphilitic cock in the corner
Chatting with a camp man
With gonorrhea
Herpetic foreskin watching the waiting room tv
Chlamydia is flicking through
Last month’s TIME magazine
A smile on his face
Me, I’m trying to hold back the tears
I shouldn’t have fucked that girl
The protestant girl,
In Kelly’s nightclub
I’m reading Albert Camus
He’s talking about death
Oh Albert, your hideously sombre prose makes my day
Seem like the happiest day of my life
I receive a text
It polarises me
“I am Party!”
Papa Sir Higgs-a-lot of Baronscourt
I tell him I’m close to death
He understands
It’s nice to know someone who understands
My depths of depravity
The nurse calls my name
Mojo
I go into her room and sit down
She asks me questions
“Are you straight or gay?”
“Have you had unprotected sex?”“Have you had oral sex?”
“Have you had anal sex?”
“How many partners have you had in the last year?”
“When was the last time you had sex?”
I wish she read out comedy questions as well
“Have you put a vibrator up your arse?”“Ever fucked a donkey?”
“Has a girl ever poo-poo’d on you?”
She asks me to pull down my trousers and get on the examining bed thing
And cover my cock with that tissue
I lie on the cold leather
Fucking cold like
Dust on the windowsill
It hasn’t been dusted in a while
She examines Eugene
Oh the horror
She nods with approval
“Everything seems ok here”
I laugh when she sticks the little plastic thing
Down Eugene’s only eye
Oh Eugene, I’m sorry about this

Now pass urine into this little cup
But first,
Let me take some blood
For HIV
I have the AIDS. I have the AIDS
I make a mental note
Get Papa Sir Higgs of Baronscourt to Fed-ex the mit immediately
I ask the nurse“Am I the new Freddy Mercury?
I haven’t even released one groundbreaking album yet.”
She said not to worry
As the blood fills the little test-tube

I go to the toilet
I try to piss in the cup
But I miss
And piss
On my hand and the wall
I show an empty plastic container to the nurse
She says
You’re going to have to go again
I’ve ran out of piss
I go back into the toilet
I try to think of waterfalls
But when I do that
The video for “Mysterious Girl”
By Peter Andre
Enters my mind
I am trying to piss
whilst thinking about a tanned man with a six –pack
Somehow, piss starts to flow
Thank you Eugene
You little fucking treacherous bastard.

I waited for months for my results
But they didn’t phone
Then I remembered they said they’d only call
If there was some problem
But I phoned anyway
And the wee girl said
“I’ll go and check your records”
Ah yes, Mojo and Eugene.....
All clear
YEhAAAAAWWW I shout.

Minutes later I go out and celebrate my life
I’m not going to die after all
My life is the brass part in “Move on up”
By Curtis Mayfield
I smile at death
Hi “Death”, remember me ya cunt....
We were very cosy there
Me and you “death”, weeping bedfellows
Get the fuck out of my bed now “death”
Well, I’m going to go for ice-cream
At 11 am
Then I’m going to get on a bus to fucking Dublin
Somewhere I deeply dislike
And I’m going to sit in a bar alone
And write awful poetry like this shit poem
Endless lines of shit
Miserable people will make me happy
And discussions about death will feel like discussions
About an ugly cousin
That you’ll probably meet some day
But only very briefly
at the end of your life
Probably for less than a minute
Yeah, fuck you death
Ya cunt.